Monthly Archives: September 2013

Please Help

This is a reveltively short post. I have a friend that is in need of help. Their family is struggling and could use much love and support. The problem is chronic pain and a way to get relief that is going to cost several thousand dollars. Please help as much as you can. Every dollar helps. Thank you.

Read their story and donate at the link below:

http://gogetfunding.com/project/papa-s-dream-of-a-pain-free-life

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The Low Swing

It seems that I’m on a low swing, at least for the time being. I have been reading like there is no tomorrow. It gives me an escape from my situation.

Its been a month or so since we’ve separated. And I’ve only heard from him like twice. And that should be OK with me, because I know that talking to him makes me miss him. More than I already miss him. We talked the other day, a long conversation about how are lives are going. He got rid of Maggie and the puppies, so now he has Remy and his family. He has a new house. A truck. He’s moving on. Its only a matter of time before he has the balls to tell me who he met while I was gone. But he still hasn’t said it.

Anyhow, my low swing, I had mistaken the beginning of it as my hypomania…I thought that it was mixed. But the more that I’m looking at it, the worse its getting. I want to cut just so I can feel something. But I haven’t. I feel that people would be extremely pissed if I did. Not that I should really let that matter, I mean I love my family. But when are they not pissed about something I’ve done or not done? That’s not fair to say that. My family has been extremely supportive of me in my separation and my bipolarism.  I just can’t see them hurt because of me.

Lately, I feel numb. I feel empty. There is nothing. I put on the mask everyday at work that tells people that I’m fine. But I’m not. I don’t feel fine. I feel empty.
So I read, to escape the feeling of emptiness I emerse myself in the characters’ lives and deal with their hardships. I feel something. And then I think of them as real people, I realized that yesterday actually. I have never done that… Or at least I don’t think I have. But I’ve been noticing that I miss them when I’m not reading. I wonder what they are doing, and then I realize that they are fiction. Made up people based on an authors imagination.

I’ve noticed that I can’t grasp things very well anymore. When I’m at the register, I end up almost throwing everything, dropping things on the scanner or in bags. Its been weird and I don’t like it at all.

Then I’m realizing that my whole life revolved around him. My hubby, that I had been so proud to call mine, is all that I’ve known for 5 years. I don’t have any friends near me, I have Amber, but she’s busy and so am I. I only have my family. I don’t even remember how to date people. Not that anyone has asked me out…

Then, I see all these people with their babies or their husbands and all I can think is how dare you come through my line while you’re kissing on each other. Or I think that I used to have that and I don’t now. Its a painful longing for company. Company that I don’t have.

I’m low. So low that I just want to feel. All I’m doing is sleeping or reading or working. And I’m tired. I hate depression! It takes all your joy and your energy and all your time. Its exhausting to deal with.

I wish more people understood. I wish that it was more open than it is. And its not. And it probably will take a long time before it is as open as we all hope.

People look at me and ask if I’m OK. All I can say is yes. I’m not OK. And they know it. They know that when I get quiet that something is going on. But they don’t push, and I’m thankful for it.

Take this razor, sign your name across my wrist, so everyone will know who left me life this… Bayside

I’ve been listening to Bayside a lot lately. They have a lot of songs that relate to how I’m feeling or lack in feeling.

I miss you, but I know things won’t change, so I’m not coming back. Just so you know. I love you. And I will always love you. I miss you terribly. But you started this, and I’m not playing games with you. This is goodbye. I hope that, one day, we will be friends again.

Short Post

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve failed to continue to update my readers on my current situation dealing with my relationship and my mental status.

Thus far, I’ve been pretty good. Or I think that I have done relatively well considering the situation. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought that it would be.

I’m still feeling the loss. The loss of a good relationship and a friendship, someone that I love. He was security, he was love and trust. But he was my friend and my love. And now, he’s just gone. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. He hasn’t called, he hasn’t texted. It’s been quiet. And I don’t like it.

Silence is comforting to some, but to me, silence can be overwhelming. There is too much for it to be quiet in life.

I hold tight to those around me, like my family and the few friends that I do have. It’s been a struggle to realize that I don’t have many friends because my life revolved around him.

I think that the hardest part of all this is the waves of loneliness that wash over me. They come and go. But when they are here, it’s hard to breathe. I feel suffocated, like I’m drowning.

But I know that I’m stronger than this.

I know that I will pull myself out of the darkness.

New Psychiatrist

New Psychiatrist, new diagnosis, and one new medication.

I finally had my appointment with the new psychiatrist here. She was super nice and informative. She asked all the right questions and even allowed me to voice my concerns about the situation I’m currently in.

She diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder, which I already figured that out a while back, and I experience hypomania. I still have the PTSD, I wonder if that will ever go away? She said that the reason I always catch the shadows is because of my PTSD, something that I should have figured out, but didn’t think about it.

She’s keeping me on my current medications, but she’s adding Topomax for headache prevention.

I know that this is a short post. But that’s all I have right now.