Nothing Left To Say
There has been a lot of ups and downs in my life. And recently, another huge down reared its ugly head.
Without revealing too much detail, since you’re not supposed to air your dirty laundry for others to see, I have come to realize that letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s realizing that you are the only one that you can control. I can’t control anyone else. I can’t control the actions of others. And I’m not going to try to either.
I realize that you can’t make someone love you when they don’t. You can’t make people treat you the way that you want to be treated. Even if you try over and over to matter to someone, ultimately, it’s up to them to make the decision. And that is a really hard lesson for someone like me to learn. Why? Because all I’ve ever wanted was approval, love, and devotion.
You say, “But Pres, that’s all you’ve ever had.” No it’s not. It’s not because I have never truly felt that. When I was with Bitch, I never felt it. Or maybe I felt it a few times, but unconditional love was never there. There was always something that I had to prove, some hoop that I had to jump through. There was always something. I never was truly, unconditionally loved.
So, I seek approval. Even if I say that I don’t. I am constantly looking over my shoulder to see who’s watching me, and who is approving of me being here. I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone. And, maybe it’s because I’m still trying to prove myself to me. Like I know that I have a purpose, but maybe I don’t know if I’m supposed to be here. No one has ever shown me that. Well, my Mom has. She’s one of the very few.
So, before I get complaints. My family. My family is different. Why? Because I didn’t know about my family. I didn’t know that my mom was my mom until I was 19. And that is a really hard thing to learn. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that she is my mom. But you have to think from the perspective of a 19 year old. That was a world turner. Then I got a whole new family. I got a sister and a brother who really love me. My sister has always loved me, I just didn’t know it. And as far as my brother, seeing as how I haven’t met him, I’m not sure that he has always loved me, but I know that he cares about me. I don’t know what else to say. My family has been there for me in instances that Bitch never would be. And that I think is saying something. There is also my aunt. And she’s been through some stuff with me. I feel really bad about everything with her. She’s not blood, but sometimes you don’t have to be blood to be family. She’s been there for me as much as she could be. Bitch had tried to burn that bridge with me and my aunt. And I didn’t really have much say in that matter. I didn’t know. And now that I have her, I am very thankful.
With my personality type, I’ve learned that I am constantly looking for approval. I think that I look for it in other people because I don’t have approval for myself. That’s why I’m constantly changing. I dye my hair more than most people. I get tattoos, I want more piercings. I am always looking in a mirror, even when I don’t want to be. If there is a reflection, I look at it, more than I should. I call myself vain, because I think that I am. Because, really, who looks at their reflection all day?
I think that people can’t be happy unless they are happy in their heart. If you can stand to be alone with yourself and be happy about it, be happy with your own appearance, be happy with being you, I don’t think that we are allowed to be happy with other people. Especially in a marriage. If you are not happy with you, how do you expect anyone else to be happy with you. Happiness has to come from within, right? That’s what other people have said. I’ve been told that. You have to love yourself before you love someone else. And I don’t love myself. I hate a lot of things about me. And that’s not fair to expect someone else to love someone who is so broken in their own right. I’m broken, I’m damaged. But dammit, I’m trying to fix me. And that’s not easy work. I have been working on loving myself for 22 years and I still don’t have it right.
I go through all these relationships, and I thought that maybe this would be the last one. And it seems that it might not be. How am I supposed to make things right when I don’t know what’s wrong? So, I deflect everything on me. Because ultimately, I’m the one who has a problem, not anyone else. If someone is happy in himself, who am I to try to change that? It’s not my job to change people. They have to want to change, or you have to be happy with who they are. Because, usually, people don’t change. I think that people are pretty set in their ways by a certain age and that’s just how it is. They are not going to be a different person just because you want them to be.
So, here I sit. There is a change in my heart, but honestly, I think that it’s over. There is nothing more that I can say or do. Because if one party isn’t willing to talk, I don’t know what the problem is, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I think that I’ve grown up, and I think that I’ve realized a lot of things. I think that today is a new day, and I guess it’s a new beginning. It’s going to hurt, but I think that I will be ok.