Lost

I am confused. And I am hurting. I feel like everything is falling apart and I don’t know how to put it back together.

The tape and glue only mask everything, and nothing is holding. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like the life that I have built is empty and meaningless and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know where to go.

I feel out of control. On the inside I am screaming, pulling my hair, clenching my fists, holding back with every breath. While on the outside, I am collected. I am calm. But I feel anything but calm! I want to scream! I want to cry! I want to fall apart.

I am afraid. And I am confused. And I am hurting.

My stomach hurts. My heart is pounding. My breathing is erratic. I don’t know what to do.

My mind is racing. A million miles an hour in a million directions. No one will tell me what to do.

I don’t think that I am unsafe, but I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t want to be with people either.

What do I do? How do I control this? Running running running and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Restless, breathless, hopeless. What do I do?

I don’t understand what’s going on. There are circumstances that I am not prepared for, though I thought that I was. I want to go home, but I can’t stand being at home. I am doing no good here. What do I do?

Where do I turn when things go like this? When I can’t stop long enough to deal with what thoughts are in my head. And there is nothing that I can do. It looks like I’m calm. My fingers racing across the keyboard. Thoughts racing and bouncing around in my head. What am I going to do?

Maybe this is over. Maybe this is my brain telling my heart that this is the end. That I need to pick up and move on while I still can move. Before things get messier and I destroy everything that I have ever aspired to be.

Darkness clouds my thoughts, well I wish it would. Then I would have a moment’s peace. There is no peace. And I don’t know where to turn.

I don’t want to speak ill of things, airing dirty laundry never got me anywhere. But I have to talk to someone. And the one person that I need to talk to is too busy to talk to me. Not only that  but they could careless. I wish I had that air about me.

I’m vulnerable. I feel wounded. I am lost. And I don’t know how to save myself.

I am anything but fine. And I don’t know what to do.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on August 13, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. This is anxiety, tis powerful. Calm yourself.Practice breathing exercises. Try to do something relaxing that you like to do. Write down the things bothering you, beside them, write why they should not bother you. See the logic in why they will not.

  1. Pingback: Napping Weather | Eros & Psyche

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