To My Best Friend

So, I thought about you and have thought about you for a long while. I’ve tried to think of things to say to you, but nothing sounds quite right.

I loved you. I couldn’t help falling in love with you and it felt right. I didn’t know that I was in love with you until it was too late. But I loved you, and I thought that we would be together forever. Everything felt so right and real.

And then the day came that we went our separate ways. You messed up with you got him fired. I was so mad at you. And I don’t think that the distance helped any. But I was mad and I began to hate you. That was my problem, and I can’t take that back.

After all that time, you sent me a picture. And I was so mad that you dared to send me a picture when we weren’t even talking. And we had talked about getting our tattoos together. You went and did it on your own and sent me the picture. I was mad. Mad that you even thought it would be funny to send me anything. but I think, deep down, I missed you. And I have always missed you.

We began talking, though it was awkward. We worked on rekindling our relationship. It was a slow progress, but you had changed so much and so have I. It’s weird and awkward. But we were talking again and I was happy.

I decided to get married, and asked you to fill an important role, which you graciously took. But it wasn’t done the way I wanted, and maybe it’s because there was a crunch time before the wedding. But I know that things could have been different. I missed you, and I was glad that you were there for my big day.

We were fine. We had grown apart in many aspects, you had changed and I had too, we each had different friends. I moved on and you stayed in the same place. Distance is a huge factor in many relationships, and I think that it crippled ours. We couldn’t see each other, couldn’t hang out together. It was a problem. But we still talked. Still missed each other.

And then came the day that I just threw up my brick wall. It was a day that was supposed to be happy for you, and I should have been happy with you, but I wasn’t. And I’m still not, but I am trying. I should have been there for you. But I can’t be. I’m guarding myself against you, because of my own selfishness. My own jealousy blinded me for such a long time. I can’t look at you on Facebook, you’re hidden now. But everyone else posts about you and your precious cargo. It’s too much for me to handle. So I avoid. I can’t see you. And I don’t want to know. I’ve tried.

You’ll have to forgive me, I’m still working on myself. And one day, I hope to let go of my petty jealousy and become a great aunt to your little joy.

I’m sorry.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on August 11, 2013, in Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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