The Feeling of Defeat

This weekend has really just kicked me while I’m down.

There’s a lot going on at home that I’m not comfortable with sharing right now. But things are better as of right now, this feeling could change at any moment.

Things are overwhelming me. Like not having enough money to pay bills that keep stacking up everyday. There is only so much that people can do, you know? And bill collectors have no compassion for people, they just want their money. I get that. I really do.

Anyhow, so the feeling of defeat. It’s been overwhelming me today. I feel like giving up. No, not dying. Just giving up on everything. It seems as though I can’t do anything right. I know the saying, when things don’t go right, go left. Haha. Yea, but really. Life would be  so much easier if I was just numb or stupid. Or something other than me. I feel like everything that is going on is my fault. Which, It really is. If I had just kept my mouth shut and went to work, we wouldn’t be in this boat. But then, I would probably be back in the hospital, and all the progress that I have made would be gone.

i feel the walls coming up. Like there is no sense in talking. Because, talking makes things real, and real is worse. So if you keep your mouth shut, things go without being talked about, so there is nothing to cure, because it doesn’t exist.

I’ve had to take my seroquel twice today, remember that I was using as PRN for anxiety in the hospital. The first time I took it, It knocked me out. But it made the thoughts slow down. I was having racing thoughts so bad that I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t focus long enough to do anything. I tried journaling for 30 minutes and only made it for 20, but I guess that’s better than nothing. I tried writing a post earlier, got a quarter of the way through it, and quit suddenly.

I’m just anxious about everything. About my life, about not having money, I could care less about not having a job, but I need the money. Hubby needs me to have a job. I can’t get my unemployment until the 18th, and that’s not helping us now. Although, even if I were to have a job right now, it wouldn’t be helping us right now either. It’s a mess.

I feel like things at home aren’t going well. With me not being able to focus, and Hubby apparently too worried to function at this point, the house is a mess and I can’t do anything about it. I’m lucky if I get through this post.

Mom worries about me, I don’t blame her. I worry about me too. But I don’t want to do anything.

I feel defeated, as though nothing I do is right. There is no point to anything and I just want to run away. But there is really no place to run to. I mean, I have a place to go, if I need to, but no matter where I go, I’m going to be followed by my problems. I feel the walls closing in on me.

I know this is temporary, just like anything else. This too shall pass. Just keep breathing.


About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on August 11, 2013, in Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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