So… My posts from the past couple of days…well…they’ve been pretty grim.
But that’s how I’ve been feeling.
And I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone. But I had to tell someone. I felt like the thoughts were going to make my head explode.
When I told hubby, like I said, he was upset. And still, now, I don’t know if it was because of what I was thinking that made him upset, the fact that I told him, or what. But he was upset. And, again, I don’t blame him for being upset. Because I was upset too.
I was upset that I was thinking these things, that I was seriously considering all of these things.
Some ideas were just words, some were images or videos of the exact scenario. It was sad, but it felt like there was relief in that. Until I saw how my family would react. And it just seemed so selfish and painful.
I don’t like being that depressed. And, yes, the thoughts are still there. But, right now, they are more whispers than screams.
And for that I’m thankful.
I don’t think that I am actively suicidal. I haven’t actually attempted, though the thoughts are present. The images are violent and vivid.
Hopefully, this won’t last much longer.
I just get tired of fighting, you know? Fight the good fight and keep trying? No, it gets tiring and stressful and hateful. And it’s depressing. And there is always the thought “well, I could kill myself.” I’ve only ever been sure that I would succeed once, and I was stopped, because I opened my mouth and told someone what I was thinking.
I’m scared. Or not really scared. I was yesterday. It’s sad that I can’t just be happy or at least normal. And all I can think about is that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of everything.
Yesterday, I thought it was ok. And then I wasn’t. And I feel horrible for Hubby because he’s having to deal with my shit. He’s afraid, I think, for me. He wouldn’t be watching me like he has been if I could just be normal. I feel bad. He deserves so much better. He needs me to be better and I can’t be. I feel like he’s going to send me away. I don’t want him to leave, but I keep pushing him away.
What if he sends me to the hospital and then doesn’t come and see me? What if this doesn’t get any better?
I don’t want him to leave me. And I get so mad because he stays. It doesn’t make sense to me.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
It’s not getting better. And I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to go to work tonight, I don’t want to do anything. I want to sleep forever.
I just want to be alone. But I want to be with Hubby. But when I’m with Hubby, I get mad at him, and there’s no reason to be mad at him. I just want to be with him, cuddle and cry. I hate feeling like this. I hate putting him through this. I don’t know what to do anymore.