It Continues – TW
If you haven’t guessed, yesterday/today was very hard for me. I was very depressed and I had several thought running through my mind, some that made me sick to my stomach.
I thought about dying. By ways of hanging, cutting, overdosing, or crashing the car.
My first thoughts were hanging. There is no place in my home that I could hang myself properly. But the idea was there. And it wasn’t going away.
When Hubby came home for lunch, he knew something was wrong. I broke down in tears. I shook. My heart felt like it was exploding. My chest heaving. And all I could think was how stupid I am, how much better he deserves. Honestly, if you’re having a crappy day at work, the last thing you want to deal with is an emotionally distraught woman who just revealed that she wants to hang herself. He got upset, understandably. He asked me if I had taken my pills, no. I missed them the night before and I wasn’t ready to go to sleep though I should have. He got up and got my anti-anxiety, a sleeping pill, an one of his antidepressants. I told him that I wasn’t going to take them. He made me take the anti-anxiety and the sleeping pill. He held me. I knew he was upset. But I was too.
I was upset that I’m a horrible wife, that I ruined his lunch because I couldn’t keep my thoughts to myself, that I was so sad that it physically hurt.
He left after he ate. And I seriously considered taking all the pills. It would be easy and it would be hours before anyone found me. But I let it go.
I drifted off into an uncomfortable sleep, hoping that when it came time to go to work I wouldn’t get up. That I couldn’t get up. That he would have to call and say that he couldn’t get me to get up. But I was mostly awake by the time I left for work, after a drunken attempt at getting dressed. I tried really hard to make sure that I didn’t have to come in. That he would let me stay home.
My heart still hurts. My chest has an ache. And I’m sure that its just anxiety. But I’m so alone, alone with my thoughts and feelings and it becomes overwhelming. I just want to crawl away, curl up in a corner, and never come back.
I’m tired of this. All of this. The depression, the thoughts and images that flash in my mind, the worry. The not good enough, the drama, the hating my job. It’s all just too much and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’m nauseous. I hurt. And I’m exhausted. All I want to do is go home and sleep, and stay asleep forever.