Yesterday Vs. Today
Yesterday was my day off. Yay! How did I enjoy it? I think I slept late.
We went into town to pay some bills and my ticket. Then we went home.
I fell asleep sometime after we got home. And while I was asleep, my mind played.
I woke up several times, I was hearing things in my sleep. I heard people talking. I woke up one time and saw a little girl looking at me, no one was there, it was just a trick. I heard someone walking through the house, no one was there. Seriously! Brain??? Come on.
I finally got up, only to go back to sleep on the bed. Hubby had his meeting, so he left as I napped. When I woke up again, he was still out, so I got a shower. I was still hearing things.
Hubby and I were invited to the bar with a couple of my coworkers, so I was getting ready. And honestly, half way through my shower, I became depressed. I changed my mind, I didn’t want to go. I stalled as long as I could. But hubby always came up with answers. Eventually, we left the house. He knew something was wrong, but we went.
Honestly, it was the best night I’ve had in a while. It was fun and most of the night flew by in a blur. I was drunk.
We got home late, and went to bed even later. I think the last time I saw on the clock was 2 am.
I woke up this afternoon, at 4:30ish. I say ish, because I really don’t remember. But I know that I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to get dressed for work, let alone drive to work. I wanted to stay home, where I’m safe and not lonely. And I could sleep. I kept feeling shaky. I didn’t want to go.
I made it to work, the shaky feeling wasn’t going anywhere. I took my blood pressure, 136/93 pulse was 112. And I really hadn’t started working yet.
My anxiety is killing me. My heart rate skyrockets to over 100 even if I’m sitting still. The trembling is getting worse. I just don’t want to do this anymore.
Before I got to work, I should add, my phone had missed calls and texts like usual. My friend had her baby. And she sent me a picture. I’m not ready to deal with that. But it hurts my feelings. It hurts because I’m not pregnant. I don’t have kids, and I want them. Badly. But I know that I have some things to straighten out. But I’m upset by everyone who has kids. It’s ridiculous. Ridiculous that I feel like this. I’m jealous and frustrated that things aren’t going my way. And I know it’s just that, that things aren’t going my way so I’m getting upset. But I still want things.
I’m still upset. And my stomach hurts. I’m nervous and I shouldn’t be. I’m already thinking about tomorrow and how I have to work and I know that I don’t want to go. It makes me nervous.
I have my counseling appointment tomorrow, and I’m not ready for that either. I don’t want to go. But hubby said that he would go with me. And I’m hoping he’ll let me stay home. But he probably won’t. He doesn’t understand. And honestly, neither do I.
Mom is trying to be supportive. She is tryin to be on my side about this whole baby thing. But she doesn’t know what to say either. And then, she’s supporting my writing. But I think she’s only reading the creative stuff, referring her friends to my site. Which is cool, but there is more to me than just the creativity. And I worry that she’s going to find something that will make her not like me. Or what if she refers her friends who read some of my other things and they think that I’m crazy?
And that’s how yesterday was better than today.