Jealousy is a Bitch

It is. It is a horrible feeling, a horrible beast that most everyone deals with.

I just happen to be jealous of my best friend. Though, I guess we aren’t best friends anymore and haven’t been for some time now. My best friend has the one thing that I haven’t been able to get yet.

The pain in my chest is heavy. It’s very hard to breathe. I can’t feel happiness for her, all I can see is her through the green eyes of a monster.

She’s pregnant.

And, I’m not.

She’s due, next week, I believe. And it’s killing me that I can’t be happy for her.

I remember when she called to tell me her good news. It was November, and my grandmother was in the hospital. She had just been admitted the previous day and Mom and I went to see her. I got a call, but I didn’t pick up, we were busy trying to find the room my grandmother was in. I got a voice mail saying, “hey call me back I have something to tell you.” I pressed the call back button, voicing to my Mom “She better not tell me she’s pregnant.” And, lo and behold, she was.

Devastated was not the word. Or maybe it was. The biggest sadness I had experienced in a very long time. The tears welled up and spilled over before I could stop them. Mom, of course was on my side attempting to comfort me. But, really, what could she say? She tried to be funny, she tried to confirm that it shouldn’t have happened like this, but it did. And what else could she have said?

We’ve been trying for two years, two years. That feels like a lifetime. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had fun, but I’m ready for the next step.

And my poor husband, he knows that something is wrong, and he presses me until I tell him what’s going on. But it feels so stupid. It’s stupid to feel like this. Or at least that’s how I feel about it. It’s not right that I feel like this.

Have you ever had that Baby syndrome? You know, the one where you see babies everywhere, everyone’s pregnant, even the damn dog is pregnant? I mean, come on! The dog??? It’s frustrating.

And, to my friend, I miss you, and I’m sorry. I wish you the best of luck in your delivery. And I’m sorry that I can’t be more supportive right now.


About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on June 25, 2013, in Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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