For years, I have wanted children. I want a baby.
But, my doctor recently told me not to try to get pregnant until I get straightened out…
I can understand why.
No one would want a psychotic mother.
But I really think that I could be a good mom.
I know how to care for a baby.
I know that there are sleepless nights.
But then, I wonder…
Am I too fucked up to have a child?
I stumbled across a blog entry about being bipolar and getting pregnant.
The author made it sound like a death sentence.
Like bringing a life into the world would be the worse thing possible.
But I understood her points.
She’s bipolar, apparently, severely.
And I can understand that you can’t take medications during pregnancy due to birth defects.
Then, there’s the aftermath.
After you’ve had the baby, and you’re out on your own.
I just understood her reasoning.
Bipolar can be genetic. Or, maybe, it is genetic.
So, you don’t want to unleash hell on a child.
It makes me sad to think that maybe, after all these years of crying because I don’t have a baby
I can’t have one after all.
I’ve felt my clock ticking for over 2 years.
Yes, I know that I’m only 22 years old, but I’ve been married for a while
And I really want to add a child to our family.
But what if everything is too fucked up for a child to come into this house?
Maybe that’s the reason why, after two years of trying, we still don’t have a child.
What if it’s all because of me?
The reason we can’t have a child is due to me and my illness.
Does this mean that I can’t have babies?
Because I’m too fucked up?