Baby Talk

For years, I have wanted children. I want a baby.

But, my doctor recently told me not to try to get pregnant until I get straightened out…

I can understand why.

No one would want a psychotic mother.

But I really think that I could be a good mom.

I know how to care for a baby.

I know that there are sleepless nights.

But then, I wonder…

Am I too fucked up to have a child?

I stumbled across a blog entry about being bipolar and getting pregnant.

The author made it sound like a death sentence.

Like bringing a life into the world would be the worse thing possible.

But I understood her points.

She’s bipolar, apparently, severely.

And I can understand that you can’t take medications during pregnancy due to birth defects.

Then, there’s the aftermath.

After you’ve had the baby, and you’re out on your own.

I just understood her reasoning.

Bipolar can be genetic. Or, maybe, it is genetic.

So, you don’t want to unleash hell on a child.

It makes me sad to think that maybe, after all these years of crying because I don’t have a baby

I can’t have one after all.

I’ve felt my clock ticking for over 2 years.

Yes, I know that I’m only 22 years old, but I’ve been married for a while

And I really want to add a child to our family.

But what if everything is too fucked up for a child to come into this house?

Maybe that’s the reason why, after two years of trying, we still don’t have a child.

What if it’s all because of me?

The reason we can’t have a child is due to me and my illness.

Does this mean that I can’t have babies?

Because I’m too fucked up?

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on June 21, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Different strokes for different folks. You very well may be a better mother than those that are categorically “normal.” By the way, what is “Normal” and who’s qualified to tell you what your “normal” should be? You are not f#cked up, you just march to the beat of your own drummer. When the time is right, whatever shall be will be. F#ck being “categorically normal,” that sh!t is boring and in my opinion abnormal.

  2. EdelWilliamsLifetimes

    Oh gosh, I agree with the previous person. Everyone is different. I have been struggling with bi-polar since I was about 18 years old and have three wonderful, precious well adjusted children. I had them when the time was right for me. I came off my meds when I was pregnant and whether it was the flood of pregnancy hormones in my body during that time, I have to say I did not swing often during the nine months of carrying them. life afterwards was certainly challenging, but no more challenging I think than for any other mother. I just had to be careful of my mood-swings and got all my family, especially my long suffering husband to tell me as soon as they saw the slightest sign of a swing. Yes bi-polar is genetic, but you know what, if we all worried about all the things we could pass on to our children genetically, we’d never have kids. Your time will come, you are vey young still. I was 24 getting married and twenty six when my first child was born. I’m 45 now: Ive survived, they’ve survived, my husband survived and we are still together. Your time will come indeed. Believe it, wait for it, and embrace it when it comes. I wish you the best of luck

    • Thank you for your words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. I can’t wait to get pregnant, I’ve wanted children for forever. But when my dr said that I should not be trying and then reading that entry, it just discouraged me. Scared me. Thank you, again.

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