Anger

I think that anger is a stupid emotion. There are several stupid emotions, but I really do think this one takes the cake.

What is the point in being angry? Honestly, what does it change? Nothing that I can see.

It’s natural. It helps people vent. It’s whatever. It is what it is. But seriously, what’s the point?

I’m angry, a lot more than I would like to be.

For example, I got home this morning, half expecting the house to be clean. Why? Because they are coming to install Dish so that we can have TV again… But there has to be a clean house so they can at least get through to do their job. Working 12 hours at a time, sleeping during the day, usually all day, I think it takes a toll and my house really shows it. It is never clean. I just don’t have the energy or the want to. Anyhow, usually, when we have company for whatever reason, Hubby is really cool about cleaning the house. He told me that he would do it, that he didn’t mind, even though I begged to stay home so that I could help. Which, you have to know that work would have to be bad enough that I would beg to stay home to clean, but that’s another story. He insisted that I go to work. Two reasons, he says that he can’t clean while I’m home, and that we need the money. Ok, both seem to be true. But I was willing. That should have said something. So, anyhow, I get home this morning, it’s been kinda stressful at work lately due to being short handed and having a staffing agency filling in. On my way home, Hubby calls to ask me to go to the bank. Well, two things went on there. We don’t have any money to put in the bank, well, I had $40. But, the second thing, I was already out of town. He got really upset, and so did I. I’m tired, cranky, and I hurt. I just want to come home. So I turned around, went to the bank. But I can’t remember the account number. It was an ordeal. Then I get home, he’s not here. He had to go in early. The house is still a wreck. It makes me mad, because they are supposed to be here at 12, and seeing as how it’s 8? Four hours to clean the entire house, when he said two days ago that he could do it. It was just irritating. So I was upset.

Then I get on Facebook, of all the stupid things to get upset about, I see that Hubby has liked a page that is administrated by BIL. It made me mad, because he’s still listening to what his brother is telling him to do. Why would that upset me so much? It’s stupid. It’s a stupid Facebook page, why would I care. But I did and I do. So, I log into his Facebook to see what BIL has told him this time. And all it said was “Like this page, bro!” It struck me wrong. Why? I don’t know, probably because he told Hubby to do something and he did it to shut BIL up. Like, it shouldn’t matter. But it did.

Later, Hubby comes home. And I’m upset. Because I feel like everyone has influence on my life and my marriage but me. Now, that’s not really what’s happening, and logically, I know that. But in the heat of the moment, it’s true. He values others’ opinions rather than mine, and that upsets me. You can’t choose your family, but you choose your spouse. That makes sense to me. So, when you’re out on your own and it’s you and your spouse, who has more right to say what you should do? Not family, though they can toss opinions here and there. But they shouldn’t take the decisions.

I know that there are problems with me and my in laws. It really upsets me. Why? Well, when you are forced to see someone every two weeks, they put opinions where they aren’t wanted, have a very small mind when it comes to mental health concerns, and throw fits because you’re in their home…it proves to be challenging. It makes me mad that I can’t enjoy time with people without there being some passive aggressive confrontation. While the aggression isn’t in my face directed at me, it’s directed at me, if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn’t. You would have to see it to understand what I’m saying. BIL has some interesting things going on in his head, and I would love to examine him from a psychological stand. But, I want nothing more than to tell him everything I really think about him, the way he acts, the things he says, and everything in general. But then, I would be a BITCH. And while I gladly own up to that name, I’m not about to open that can of worms with them. I don’t want to start something that I can’t finish. In all honesty, if I were to get into a fight with BIL, I would lose my ass. He’s bigger than me, has more experience fighting, and I panic. Even over a Facebook message, fighting with him was hell. But I would love to say what I want.

That makes me no better than anyone else, and I know that. But I’m tired of seeing everyone tip toe around him. It’s ridiculous. And it makes me so mad to see this going on.

And that’s where we go back to the silly emotion, anger. It’s stupid because you can’t do anything, most of the time, to change what’s going on that’s making you angry. I can’t do anything about the way BIL treats me, directly or indirectly. I can’t change the fact that I hate my job. I can’t fix fights due to miscommunication. It’s a stupid emotion that I need to learn to let go of.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on June 19, 2013, in Mental Health and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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