Am I Bipolar?
There are several voices out there that tell me all the time that this isn’t me, this can’t be what’s wrong with me.
Family and friends. Mostly family.
There are several sites out there that will tell you all about bipolar disorder, the signs and symptoms, and how treatable it is.
I have had mood swings, intensely, for a while. But since I’ve started the new medications, it’s hard to tell what’s going on. I wouldn’t say I’m numb, because that is NOT the word for it. But I feel “normal”? Maybe? I’m not really sure what normal is anymore. But I have 3 types of days, there are bad days, normal days, and great days.
I attempted to talk to my nurse about it, but we don’t really connect very well. She asked the first thing that anyone asks.
“Have you had manic episodes?”
Well, to be honest, I still don’t know. I don’t feel like I lose touch with who I am or what I’m doing, though, I’m not sure that’s even what happens when you have an episode. But I know that there are days, few and far between, that I have been elated, I’ve been on top of the world. I’ve been more focused, more sped up, more accomplished. Too many thoughts racing at a time. Extravagant shopping sprees, even though I know I have to pay the rent. I mean, all of these, they could easily be explained by stress, mood swings, hormones… I am a woman… But, if anything, I think I’m experiencing hypomania. But that’s just my opinion.
“Are you sure you’re just not depressed?”
Well, yea I am depressed. But no, I don’t think it’s just depression. I really do think that there is something else going on. And I think that it’s important that someone tells me what the hell is going on with me. I just want an answer. I don’t want the sugar coated crap. I want to know. The truth. And now.
Then there is the whole “we’re going to treat you like you’re bipolar”. I’ve had several definitions thrown at me. Two of which I liked. One: see if the meds work, if they do, that’s what we’re going with. Or Two: They have several ideas of what it could be, so we’re going to say the one that does less harm, and see if this works. If it doesn’t, we’ll move on.
If the meds work, keep on it.
Well, seeing as how I’ve been taking the meds for almost two months and have had no major problems, only one major episode with included me pulling a knife, I think that I’m doing pretty well. My life still needs work. But I think it’s getting better. The anxiety is getting better, I still have to take my anxiety pills, as needed, but it’s getting there.
I just want a definitive answer. I want a label. So I can process it and move on with my life. So that I know what I’m dealing with. That’s it.