I just need things to get better. I wish that I could snap my fingers and all of this *motions to the air* would be gone.
All this pain and suffering that I feel, though there is no physical wound. All this loneliness, though I am surrounded by people. I want all of it gone, out of my life.
I want, need things to get better. I need to get better. I need to be ok. And I’m not.
Not in the least.
When you cry because you have to make a phone call, start shaking as it starts ringing, and break down as soon as they answer, something is not right. How can I be this? What the hell happened?
Maybe it’s all just me. Maybe it is all in my head. I wish that I could just snap out of it, be the person that I was meant to be, whoever the fuck that was.
I don’t even know who I am! All I know is that I am mad, and scared, and feel so stupid for ever feeling like this.
I feel alone, though I know others deal with the exact same shit I do. But I can’t feel it. I know it, but I can’t see it, I can’t feel it. All I can feel is myself being thrown away. I feel so empty.
But It’s not emptiness if I can feel things, and I feel everything. So intensely, I’m terrified that something is seriously wrong with me.
Since when do I start shaking when confronted with something. This is new, and I don’t like it. Since when has my confidence been so shattered that I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be. I can’t do anything. I can’t.
I need things to get better. I need things to get better. I need things to get better. I need this to get better.
I don’t know what else to say.
No one understands, except one. And she’s all I can talk to. And I feel so guilty talking to her about it because she is so special and dealing with all of her own things, I’m breaking her and I can’t do that. But I have no one else who understands. No one else seems to really know. They just look at me like I’m making things up, or I’m just overreacting. But no one gets it. They just tell me to calm down, or stop it, or it’ll be ok. But how do they know? How do they know it will be ok? It’s not ok. And it needs to be. It just needs to get better. I can’t do this anymore. I’m not even sure what this is.
The anxiety of having to go to work and deal with 31 people all alone, is too much. What if I snap? How many times have I caught myself? Too many, and I can’t sit there and ask someone to take over for me, because there is no one. When I worked at Rock House, at least I had someone there who could step in, even just for a few minutes to allow me to catch my breath. I don’t have that. I can’t take a breath. It’s go go go, and there is no stopping until after midnight. And if I hurt someone, that’s the end of me. That’s the end of my career and I could be put in jail. I would lose my license. If I hurt someone, if I let them push me too far. And really, they aren’t all pushing, it’s my reactions to it. The impulses to slap them, yell at them, hit them, choke them. This is not where I saw my life heading. And there is nothing that I can do.
Things have to get better. I need them to get better because this is not going well and I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve thought about asking my doctor if I could go on disability, but I know that it doesn’t pay enough, not near enough. I need my job. But it’s driving me crazy. I can’t leave it. I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore and I have nothing else.
I’m alone. And I don’t need to be. I need help. I need things to get better.