I’ve been really anxious, the past couple of days. So much so, that I’m finding it hard to talk to anyone again.
I feel completely unsure of myself. And maybe that’s because things have been turned upside down too many times to count, or that I’ve been trained to be unsure of who I am or what I am. The only thing I’ve ever been sure of was getting married. I question everything.
I feel like everyone is out to get me. Or that something is going wrong. Last night, I was convinced that I was going to jail. No I didn’t do anything. But I knew that I was going to be in jail. I had to have my mom talk me out of that one. And I had to ask my husband again today. It’s because it’s been decided that were looking short term, what can we fix right now vs what can we deal with later and it scares me.
But then again, I’m scared. Of everything. And I feel like no one understands it. Hubby doesn’t understand why I don’t want to learn the house, mom doesn’t understand why I still have thoughts of killing myself, hubby doesn’t understand why I can’t or don’t want to go to work. It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of everything! At work, my best? Isn’t good enough. I’m not enough. People don’t like me because I am not enough. And I deserve to be treated like shit because that’s all I know. I’m scared that’s she’s going to find me, I’m afraid that if he gets close to me again he’ll rape me again. Both of them have been out of my life for years and yet I still see them, still fear them.
I’m mad at the world. I don’t know why. I’m mad because nothing ever seems to go right. I can’t fix everything. And I’m afraid of failing. How easy it would be to just give up. But I’m afraid that I would fail at that too. So where does that leave me? Alone and afraid. And fighting fears that aren’t real.