Not Safe

I feel very aggressive tonight.

We’re short handed, an I have been extremely busy since 7 pm. I have 39 people to take care of tonight.

And honestly, right now, I feel like most of those 39 are in danger. Why?
Because of how upset I am. I’m so mad about everything and the simplest little thing makes it worse. I want to hurt someone. I want to punch them, pinch them like they do me, kick, yell and scream! And when someone does something stupid, or gets on their call light, I want to choke them. I just want to hurt them. And since I can’t do that, I want to hurt myself. But I can’t do that either! I feel trapped and it’s harder to breathe. And all I want to do is hurt.

What is wrong with me? This isn’t me. Even in stressful situations, this isn’t me. I want to curse someone out, I’ve called almost everyone an asshole or bitch, under my breath of course. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t something I’m used to. It’s not anxiety, although I feel it on the very edge of my mind. It’s there. But it’s not as intense as this rage I feel. Can I call it rage? I guess so, seeing as how I want to hurt others or kill them. That sounds so awful.

I wish I had the time and the money, I would get a tattoo. I need a fix. Since I don’t do drugs and I can’t get to my alcohol, a tattoo or a cut would help.

But my best friend and supporter has asked me not to cut. And I can’t, even though I want to so bad. I have nothing to do it with. But I have a lighter. I could burn…

I honestly considered killing myself earlier…well, yesterday. We’ve been having financial troubles. And I know that I have life insurance. It would save him from this hole we’ve dug ourselves into. But I can’t do that either. Because what if I fail? It wouldn’t do anything then and we would be without a car and still no money.

Trying to calm down. But all I can think about is the lights and people asking me for stupid things. I don’t know if I can hang in there much longer. She says to go home if I still feel like this, I need to be safe. Well I’m not safe. I’m not. But I can’t just go home either. If I do, hubby will be upset with me, which he would get over. But I could lose my license. I could lose my job. But if I hurt someone, even accidentally, I could lose all that anyhow. What am I supposed to do!?

I’m wondering if taking an anxiety pill would help me. But like I said, this doesn’t feel like anxiety. It’s aggression. And I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t. I just know that I want to hurt everyone or me.

I’m not safe.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on May 31, 2013, in Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I hope you are feeling better now? A big hug (please don’t hurt me)

    • I am feeling much better now. When I went back to work that night after lunch, I had calmed down a lot and finished most of everything. Thank you for your concern. 🙂

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