Where to begin this one?
I have a lot on my mind tonight. And, honestly, I should be asleep, but I’m not. I just have a lot going on in my head.
Right now, I’m blogging from my phone, so if there are grammatical or spelling errors, I apologize in advance.
The shadows are playing tricks on me. Probably because I’ve been watching a creepy series on Netflix, and it must be messing with my head. That and the alcohol probably doesn’t help either. I am not drunk or even buzzed, but I have been drinking and I’m wondering if it has impaired me just enough that my mind is playing with me.
What do you say to someone who cuts? Just a thought, throwing it out there. I shared my post about self harm on my Facebook page an have had a couple of people share it. That’s why I posted it, but what they titled their posting to the link surprised me. “I pray for you…” Maybe not those exact words, it was something more along the lines of I pray for all those who engage, etc, etc… But is that really all that we can say?
What would I want to hear? When I was found out by my ex, he asked why. I didn’t have a reason. I played it off as I was just being bad ass. He made me quit. For the two years that I was with him and up until this year, I didn’t cut. So what is that now…? I think it’s 6 years. Anyhow, I messed up, starting my count over. I killed my butterfly and covered it up with lies, we’re just goin to start over.
When I told my friend, I think she was ok…but she was more concerned with me being safe. And I was. For the most part. She told me it was ok. It will be ok. But I’m not sure that’s what I wanted to hear.
What about the year that it started? The year that I watched my best friend die in front of me over and over, saw death everywhere, and couldn’t sleep? So I started to cut, because it was the one thing that I could handle. If I fell asleep, I would wake up screaming and crying, death was in my bed, outside my window, in my shower, even at school. What would I have wanted to hear?
“You’re going to be alright, we’re going to get through this, I’m here to help.”
Save me would have been my cry. The hallucinations were so real, so adamant. I just wanted it to end, but I never thought about suicide. I just cut.
What do you say to someone who is so deeply hurt that they hurt themselves? What do you say? I know what looks I got. I know what looks I get if I engage and someone finds it.
We just want to know that things will be ok. And it always feels like its not. It’s not going to be ok. It’s not going to get any better. It’s always going to be like this. It’s always going to be my fault.
But then, there’s the problem isn’t it? The guilt? The shame? The self blaming? We don’t deserve this.
Healing can happen. But it doesn’t happen over night. And I think that people think that it will. Recovery just doesn’t work like that. Especially if it became an addiction. You can’t live without it, though you don’t need it, but you know you have to stop.
There emotional pain tied to self harm. The one that you hurting yourself for and then, ultimately, the one you create by hurting yourself. You begin to think that you deserve this. This is what you get, even though its what you need.
Self harmers aren’t going to just walk out of the shadows and tell everyone that they are hurting. Anonymity online brings out a lot of people who are brave enough to share their stories.
What about the people who are depressed? What do you say to them? What do you tell the people who have to deal with anxiety? What about the people much worse off than me? The ones who have severe issues? You can’t just tell them to get over it. All you can say, really, is that you’ll be there. And yea it’s going to be a hard road ahead. But you’ll be there and that’s what counts. Even if you are just a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Be there.
You would never tell someone with a broken leg to just get over it, well mental issues are the same. We can’t just get over it. If we could we wouldn’t be like this.