The Past

Oh, how the past keeps coming up.

She still comes up in conversations…with family…on Facebook. She’s there.

But, she’s not the reason I’m so fucked up.

There has to be more. There has to be a reason that doesn’t just include her.

Go back to a history, there are so many fucked up things that have happened in my life it can’t just be her.

I’ve been depressed for years, and taking medication is only helping me keep the bad thoughts at bay. They are keeping me alive.

It can’t be just her.

The past, it always come up.

Depression has always been a problem, whether I wanted to admit it or not, it’s always been there. Especially in my younger days. It was there and it was evident that I needed more than just to “snap out of it”.

I’m not on medications because of her. Because of how she treated me, because of how she would say demeaning things to me.

I’m on medications because I’m depressed, because I’m anxious, because I could be bipolar.

She has not made me weak. She has not made me like this.

I am not ashamed.

I am ok.

And the past needs to die.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on May 23, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Are you having any periods of mania?

    • I don’t understand what that is…

      • mania is a euphoric feeling, you talk fast, think fast, feel indestructible….

      • I’ve had that, but according to what I read online, it has to last four or more days, but doesn’t.

      • hmm, not always.

        how often do you have them?

      • Had to really think about this. It hasn’t happened so much since I’ve started the new meds, I’ve actually had more “normal” days. But i think when it happens it lasts for a few days or so…3 at most? But usually if I have a good day, the next is really bad. Like…bad thoughts and fixations bad…

      • kk, so another hard one to answer, if you are depressed for a long time or just very deeply depressed and the depression lifts, you are normal but you haven’t been for a long time so you forget what normal is, it can feel like an episode of mania. Could it be like that?

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