Already

I just woke up, not too long ago, and I’m already anxious.

The thought of having to go to work tonight is weighing heavily on my mind. I know that it’s stupid, but my work drives me crazy. I’m anxious.

I’m nervous because I don’t want to go in there and see how many people I have to take care of, be yelled at by other nurses, not receive any help when I need it, and be stuck there all night when my hubby sleeps soundly in bed.

I’m tired of night shift, it’s a lot easier, but I want to be home. With him. I’m tired of missing him all day and all night. We rarely get to see each other, except the days that I call in or the hour he’s home before I have to go to work.

The sad thing is, the area we live in, no one is hiring. Or, if they are hiring, I’m not qualified or they won’t pay me.

We had this argument yesterday. I want something that allows me to work the same hours as him. “So you don’t want to work weekends?” No, I don’t. “Well, you can’t be that picky!”

Ok, really. It’s my life, I think that I’m entitled to be a frigging picky as I want. I’m the one that has to suffer through the day, not him. He enjoys his job.

Basically, the way I took it, our problems are all my fault. My fault because I hate my job, I don’t go in. So I’m supposed to suck it up and deal with it. But that is really hard. Because, when I’m at work, I want to hurt people. I want to hurt myself. I can’t handle everything that is going on there. I can’t. If I had help, all night long, we could talk. But they rarely do that. And then the other nurses bullying me into having more residents than what I’m due, more than I can handle…How am I not supposed to go nuts?

“Well, if you would call the doctor, you could handle work better.” Bullshit. I barely handled it the first time I was there alone and taking meds.

I don’t know what else to do. I’ve applied other places. Honestly, I don’t want to work, but since that’s not an option, I’m looking. NOTHING is going on that I can get into. I’m trapped…again. Fuck my life.

I just wish that it was Friday evening and I could freeze time. The weekend would never have to end, I wouldn’t have to go back to work.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on April 17, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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