Can I Just Have One More Taste…
It’s a lyric in a song that I love. It reminds me of the chaos inside me. The need to cut, to feel.
“Can I just have one more taste, just to make it through the day? You’re tangled in the great escape.”
Essentially, it’s a song about drug use and how it’s an addiction. But I feel like I can relate because cutting is an addiction. It is, at least for me. It’s hard to think about the day without thinking about cutting. Though, I must admit that I have not harmed myself in quite some time, I still think about it everyday.
I’m not saying anything against the people who cut, everyday, who have lines everywhere. I’m just not like that. I want to. If I gave in to every temptation, every thought, I’m fairly sure that there wouldn’t be a place on me that didn’t have a mark.
I have no idea how I don’t cut. I think it’s because I’m scared of what people would say. Specifically, my husband and my mom. The rest of the world can kiss my ass. I know that cutting doesn’t just hurt me, it hurts my family. But it feel good.
Just like drinking soothes me, cutting soothes me too. And it kills me that I can’t cut. I feel like I need it, I want it. But I just don’t do it.
I’m not only afraid of what people would think, I’m afraid that he would take me to the hospital. I don’t want to be in the hospital. I don’t need that, and we can’t afford it. I just need to cut to feel better. To feel something other than the pain.
I don’t want to die. I don’t have that wish. But I really do want to feel something else. And right now, alone, sadness is all I feel. Sadness that is consuming. And I need a drink, a drink of my addiction.
Do you know how easy it would be if I actually wanted to take my life? I have plenty of time. Seeing as how he’s in another room and not even paying any attention. By the time he finally came to check, it would be too late. And I don’t want that, but that’s exactly where my mind is going.
Just one more taste, just to make it through…