I just don’t feel right today. Which, is odd, seeing as how I’m exactly where I want to be.

I don’t feel right…everywhere.

I want to go home, but I don’t want to be home.

I feel like tomorrow, I have to return to my sad reality. One where I hate my life and most everyone in it, and everything about it. Which, yes, I know, this is a sad thing to be. But that’s how I feel.

Maybe it’s dread. This thing that I feel.

Dread because I have to return to work, return to a life that I don’t want. The one thing that’s good about that life — Hubby is right there. At least in that life, I don’t have to share him. I don’t have to deal with people at my own home that absolutely hate me and everything I stand for. But, I have to deal with a job that I despise more and more each day, on that allows me to think of all the ways I could end it all just to make the temporary pain stop. And, yea, I know…Don’t make a permanent decision for a temporary feeling. But, it allows me time to think, and it lets my mind wander where it obviously shouldn’t.

You shouldn’t hate your job. I keep telling everyone that. I hate my job. So, again, maybe the feeling I have is that I am dreading with week. It will be another two weeks before I can return to a place of sanctuary.

I can’t really talk to anyone right now, I mean, I guess I could talk to my friend…But I think she’s busy, which is fine, I don’t want to burden her with my problems. But I can’t talk to other people. Their solution: Don’t think about it. Even Hubby tried that. If only it were that damn easy. If there was a switch that I could just flick and everything would shut down, I could just be happy, don’t you think that I would have already done that?

Anyhow, It’s a beautiful day here. Maybe I should just try to focus on that, and not that in the next few hours I’ll be dragged away from here. From my peace. I hate it…

I hope and pray that we move. I already have a job in mind, and if I can’t get that, then I can at least work with Mom until I find something else. If we move, I can go back to school. And I think that I’ve decided that I want to go after cosmetology, or at least get my nail tech license. I had thought about nursing, but I honestly cannot see myself in that role like I had originally thought. I want something where I can show off my tattoos and no one can say shit about it. I really think that it would be cool to have my own shop. But that’s still an eternity away. For now, I just need to stay occupied and quiet…


About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on April 7, 2013, in Life and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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