I Knew I Was Scared
There was a time, not so long ago, that I knew I was scared.
There was a calm. And the calm is what scared me the most.
It was while we were at the in laws. Lying in bed together, he was already sleeping. A calm came over me. And I knew I was in trouble.
There has always been a worry. A fear. That night, there wasn’t. All I had to do was find the knife.
I woke him up, told him what I was thinking. I told him that he would be alright. I know, now, he probably wouldn’t be. But, in that moment, he was going to be ok.
They say that happily married men remarry. So I knew, deep down, that he would be ok. He would find another.
The thing that I would miss the most was waking up to see him. His kisses. His eyes. His hair. His smell. His touch. I would miss it. But he would be ok.
I wasn’t scared that I wanted to die. It’s not as though I’ve never thought about it before. The fact that I was so calm, that’s what scared me.
I just stayed there. Petting him. Trying not to speak too loudly, I didn’t want the others to know what I was thinking. I just wanted to end it all. I don’t remember what had set me off. Maybe it was feeling like I was being ignored, forgotten. It always happens when we are over there. I feel unloved when I’m there. I know, that’s not the case, but I think that’s what set me down this path.
I think I scared him. If you ask him now, he doesn’t remember. He took his sleeping pills, so he doesn’t remember it happening. But I still think that I scared him. He climbed on top of me and held me down. He kissed me until I stopped crying. Told me, countless times, that he loved me. He wouldn’t be ok without me.
That night was the first time I’ve ever been afraid. I think, had I not talked to him, I would have done it. I wouldn’t be here today.
He saved me. He always saves me. Even if it’s saving me from myself.