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I realize that I am NOT the most interesting person in the world. Hell, I don’t even find myself interesting anymore.

I look back at my life and see how much of a waste I’ve become. Now, family will argue that it’s not true “Look at all you’ve accomplished.” But there is nothing.

I used to sparkle and shine. Look at the world through wondering eyes. But now all I see is a darkness, all too familiar and friendly. I used to look forward to the future, and now, all I want to do is go to bed.

I wish that I was as successful as those around me. Having been placed in situations that allowed them to flourish, while I, I withered away to this…mess.

I could have finished college, but I shut down. I didn’t see the point. I could have had a degree by now. But I didn’t finish, and I haven’t gone back.

I can look in the mirror and cry. It’s not the me that I used to see. My eyes have grown darker and older. Maybe, much more crazy. They look tired and sad, and sometimes empty. They rarely even laugh or smile, not like before. Before, they were gold, so full of life, now…Not now.

A smile is rare, and when it is there, there’s a chance that it’s not real. A mask, one that I have grown all too accustomed. I’ve been wearing it so long, maybe that’s just who I am.

Where is the me that I used to know. The one who loved with all her heart. The one who laughed at danger and defeated the odds. Now, I would rather just sit on the sofa…

My life isn’t interesting. I work all the time. My work depresses me, brings me down. But some nights are ok. When will it ever even out?

Maybe I’m going to be ok. Maybe I’m not. I miss the joy that was there…I wonder where it went?

The walls close in, darkness is my friend…Maybe I’ll just lie here a little while longer.

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Posted on March 27, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. And there’s really little else I can think to say to anyone when they’re feeling like this, as I know from being there that there’s little to nothing that can help. But I’ve always appreciated people telling me that I’m not alone. There are so many others out there struggling this same way. So, for what it’s worth, you’re not alone.

    • Thank you for your support. You’re right, there is little that helps when we feel this way. But knowing that others feel the same, means that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one. That’s what I hope to accomplish with this blog, is just let people know that they aren’t alone. Thank you again, for your comment and support. 🙂

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