My Mind, Wandering.
I’m trying to find links that I can use in my menu. I want things that will help others, provide support. But I’m having some issues…Mainly because when I need support, I text my friend or call my mom. I also check out certain “support” Facebook pages, so I don’t actually know what links to use.
I’ve been feeling…blahish today… I have to go to work tonight, and I already feel myself getting nervous. I haven’t been to work in a while, well, about a week.
I posted something about dementors and panic attacks. I feel like work is a dementor to me. It takes away all my happiness and leaves nothing but despair. Work, though I love my title and my line of work, causes me to get anxious and stressed. I’m sure that many people have this issue. When I talked to my counselor, I called it “work anxiety”. I think that the biggest problem for me is that I hate where I’m at. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever overcome this.
I can’t find a professional to talk to, I mean, I have my counselor, but I feel like she isn’t really helping me. And it’s not as though I can quit my job, I need the insurance and the paycheck. But what if this really becomes a problem? More than it already is?
I panicked the last weekend I had to work, that was two weeks ago… It’s becoming a problem… And that isn’t good. I need that paycheck. And it’s not as though I can just talk myself into being ok or getting over it. It’s not that we haven’t tried. That day that I panicked, my husband tried to get me to go. Thankfully, he saw that this wasn’t going to work and quit pushing. What if this keeps happening? I mean, I could lose my job…
My mom, she would be understanding, to a point. I’m sure of that. But it’s like I’ve told her before, that if I didn’t have to work, I wouldn’t. And she told me that the world doesn’t work that way. Well, yea, I know that. But at the rate that I’m going, I feel like not working could be a good thing for me…But I know that the world has other ideas. What path am I going on?
Thankfully, I haven’t thought much about suicide or self harm. The self harm idea is always there. Maybe it’s because I miss the feeling of control. Especially, lately, since everything seems so far out of my control. The only time I ever feel in control of anything is when I’m with my husband. And that feeling only lasts for a little while. Like last night, he knew that I was ok, and then I wasn’t. I hate when that happens. He always asks me if I’m ok. He knows that whatever it is that I’m dealing with is real and it really hurts me.
What if this is why they have programs for people who are bipolar? What if I am bipolar and that’s why I can’t do my job like I need to? Ugh! I hate where my mind goes sometimes. I hope that tonight goes well…