Monthly Archives: March 2013
I’ve been feeling ignored all day. I don’t like this feeling at all.
I’m used to getting texts all day, texts while at work, being able to call mom on breaks. And today/tonight, I just haven’t had any of that. I even feel like hubby is ignoring me.
Hubby cleaned the house last night. It was so nice to walk into a clean house. The best part, hubby was up and I was able to spend time with him before falling into oblivion.
My dear friend, I haven’t heard much from her lately. It bothers me because we basically talk, even if its just a few texts, every day or so. But I haven’t heard anything for what feels like a long while.
It’s Easter, and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s because I have to work. But it still feels too early. We don’t even celebrate the holidays much any more. The only reason we celebrate at all is due to family. As it is, I can already hear in laws saying “well, why aren’t y’all coming down? So? Just because she has to work doesn’t mean you can’t come down.” Well, actually it does, seeing as how we only have 1 car and I work 20 miles away from home. Seems like it would be really hard to pull off.
I hate feeling like this. It’s like no one cares, and trust me, I k is that’s not what it is, but it does feel like it. At least ill be able to see mom for a bit tomorrow.
Maybe I’m just ready to go home. One more night. Hopefully I can actually come in tomorrow night/tonight I don’t have the gas or money. So…this could be a major issue. Then I have jury duty Thursday, which means, I’m going to have to remember to call up here Monday and say, hey this is what’s going on, I won’t be able to work Wednesday or Thursday. Just what they want to hear.
That’s pretty much all that’s on my mind. It’s bugging me that I can’t talk to anyone! Usually I talk to mom. But I guess she went to bed. I haven’t even seen her on Facebook.
Just let me make it through the rest of the weekend.
I’ve forgotten about the personality types. It was one of my favorite things in my psych classes.
I took a test online. It’s been a really long time that I’ve tested, but I still test the same. Go figure. I’m an ISFJ. It’s weird, because this description is exactly dead on. It’s kind of creepy.
Take the test and see what you come up with. Then, you can click on the second link and find your type, and read the description.
There was a time, not so long ago, that I knew I was scared.
There was a calm. And the calm is what scared me the most.
It was while we were at the in laws. Lying in bed together, he was already sleeping. A calm came over me. And I knew I was in trouble.
There has always been a worry. A fear. That night, there wasn’t. All I had to do was find the knife.
I woke him up, told him what I was thinking. I told him that he would be alright. I know, now, he probably wouldn’t be. But, in that moment, he was going to be ok.
They say that happily married men remarry. So I knew, deep down, that he would be ok. He would find another.
The thing that I would miss the most was waking up to see him. His kisses. His eyes. His hair. His smell. His touch. I would miss it. But he would be ok.
I wasn’t scared that I wanted to die. It’s not as though I’ve never thought about it before. The fact that I was so calm, that’s what scared me.
I just stayed there. Petting him. Trying not to speak too loudly, I didn’t want the others to know what I was thinking. I just wanted to end it all. I don’t remember what had set me off. Maybe it was feeling like I was being ignored, forgotten. It always happens when we are over there. I feel unloved when I’m there. I know, that’s not the case, but I think that’s what set me down this path.
I think I scared him. If you ask him now, he doesn’t remember. He took his sleeping pills, so he doesn’t remember it happening. But I still think that I scared him. He climbed on top of me and held me down. He kissed me until I stopped crying. Told me, countless times, that he loved me. He wouldn’t be ok without me.
That night was the first time I’ve ever been afraid. I think, had I not talked to him, I would have done it. I wouldn’t be here today.
He saved me. He always saves me. Even if it’s saving me from myself.