4 Years

Four years ago today, I was getting ready to marry the love of my life. It’s hard to believe that today would be like it is.

January was tough, February marked the begining of the ending of a chapter. And by July, a new page was turned.

It’s hard to move on when you’re so used to being with one person. There’s no more good morning or good night texts, no more afternoon calls, no more constant presence. It’s hard. And I think that I have done really well to begin moving forward.

There will always be a place in my heart for him. Just like there is always a place in my heart for everyone else who has ever left. While it was my decision, based on his actions or inactions in some cases, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

So happy anniversary Marcus. I hope you’re happy wherever you are and whomever you’re with. I hope you find your peace, as I have found mine.

For I know the plans I have…

“For I know the plans I have for you,”¬†declares the Lord,¬†“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I love that verse because it saved my life at 15. Now, now it gives me hope that, even though I don’t know what’s going on with my path, there is a plan greater than me.

I don’t know what plans there are for me. But I feel like there is a calling for me out there. I feel like there is something big coming for me, and I feel like things are falling into place for that to happen for me.

Like I said on my last post, I rededicated my life to Christ, and the peace that came over me was so overwhelming, it was wonderful. This next Sunday, officially, I will be baptized. I feel blessed beyond measure.

I feel blessed because a new job, that has better pay and better hours, literally landed in my lap. I have family that supports me in all my endeavors. I feel like things are just falling into place now.

And while I don’t know the plan, I know there is one. And that’s what matters.

Working on Me

I’m a work in progress like everyone else, but I have to try harder because of my disorders. If I stop working on me, I will fall back into the darkness of depression and stay there.

So I’m working on me. I’ve been making sure that I go to all my doctor appointments, case management meetings, and I have started counseling. Counseling, I think, will be good for me. We are going to be doing some CBT therapy to help with my BPD. I go to a Christian counseling center, we will be incorporating scripture into my sessions.

I’m working on my spirituality. Last Sunday, I rededicated my life to Christ. I felt a peace come over me that I have never felt before. And I believe that it’s what I needed. I know not everyone believes in religion. And that’s ok. I won’t be harping on religion. But this is my spirituality. I think I’m being baptized next Sunday. All my friends and family want to be there.

So I’m working on me. I’m going to try to blog and journal more so I have something to talk about in therapy. I think this is a positive change for me.

Break Away

The Drama

Things have changed a lot since the last time I updated the blog. I apologize to my readers for not keeping up, but things around here have been busy and chaotic.

So, in August of 2018, Marcus and I decided to move to Weatherford. We couldn’t find jobs where we were living and decided that it was time to try our luck near the metroplex. Marcus found a job right off the bat. It took me a couple of weeks, but I found something, and it wasn’t all that great so I found something else. A month later, after finding his first job out here, he quit. He said that it was due to his anxiety, which I could definitely understand; I was upset because we were supposed to be saving for our own place. So he quits and the deal was that he was supposed to be looking for a new job to replace the one he just quit. He went on a couple of interviews, filled out some applications.

Fast forward three months, he still doesn’t have a job. During these three months, we started seeing MHMR here in town. He changed medication and started skipping doses and stopped taking it all together. His attitude changed. He became more depressed. He had a passive suicidal episode for two nights in a row. He would ignore me during the day and get mad when I would fall asleep after taking my night medications. Things just got weird. He was rude, lazy — he wouldn’t help around the house, he just sat on the couch on his phone all day, and just weird. This person living with me and my mom wasn’t the man I married. When I would confront him about his behavior he would ignore me. When I would ask him about getting a job, because at this point he wasn’t even trying to look for a job, he would say that he gave me six months. There was a time, two years ago, when I got really sick and had to leave the workforce for a good six months. My mom confronted him one day, and told him he needed to get a job by the first of the year, he was not happy.

The first of the year rolls around, and he still doesn’t have a job. Needless to say, my mom isn’t happy. He’s still not doing anything around the house other than sitting on his phone. He’s not taking care of Rockee or anything. Just sitting on his phone all day. Finally, I get in his face, because I’m tired of the behavior and tell him straight up how it’s going to be. He needs to get a job, stop ignoring me, help around the house, get his stuff together or get out. He looked shocked, but I’d had enough. I couldn’t take walking on eggshells anymore, and I couldn’t take being ignored. And when I wasn’t being ignored, he would gaslight me. When I would say something hurt my feelings or something he would tell me that it didn’t happen that way. Nothing was ever his fault or anything. Like I said, things just got weird. I had enough. So, when I got in his face and everything, the behavior changed for a day. He was pleasant and he was talking more.

A couple of weeks later, things are back to the way they were. He’s trying to get accepted into a trucking school. I have a Saturday off and I have some things to do, like laundry because neither one of us have clothes. He wants to go to his parents’ house because the school needs a W-2 from last year, and it’s in a file cabinet in storage. He told me all week that I didn’t have to go because Saturday was my one day off and he knew I was tired. Well, Saturday comes and he’s asking me if I’m going. I told him no, because I had things to do. And he gets mad because I didn’t want to go. He said “You should want to go!” I told him it wasn’t because I didn’t want to go, it’s just that I had things to do. He took off that night and stayed the night. He was supposed to come back that Monday but he didn’t. When I called him, he said he didn’t know when he would be home. He stayed away for a week and a half and came back when he was supposed to start school. The day he started school, I found profiles on his Instagram that he was following of half naked people. I got really mad, and that was the last straw. I’d had enough. I was done being ignored and bullied when he wasn’t ignoring me. And then to find that? No wonder he was spending so much time on his phone…. So he went to school and I called his parents to pick him up. Worst. Idea. Ever. They called him before I could. He was mad when I did get to talk to him. And I completely understand. So Mom and I packed his stuff. It was waiting for him when he got home. He took off in my car and I didn’t hear from him for a while. His parents started to ignore my calls and everything.

A New Reality

I filed for divorce on February 15. I signed the car over to him so I could get most of my stuff out of storage, so when I move out I’m going to have to start over…again…

We tried to make another go of it. That lasted two weeks. It just felt forced and fake. He still had the same behavior and attitude. And I was apprehensive about the whole thing. Finally, it came time for him to take his CDL test, and I kept asking him what happens when he takes his test. He said that he will go over the road. And I asked what happens to us. He shut me down. He said that I should be supportive. And then he left and I haven’t heard from him since. I thought that maybe I would hear from him when they served him papers, but I didn’t.

This is for the best though. I’m thankful for him and the love he gave me when it was there. I miss him sometimes. But I don’t miss how he treated me. He became a toxic person in my life and people have noticed the difference in me. They say that I’m happier and that I glow when I smile.

The divorce should be done some time next month. I just need to finish paying the fees and we will be done.

To be honest, I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I wish him well, I pray for safe travels for him, and I hope he finds everything that he’s looking for in this life.